7 Lessons I Learned as the Mother of a Domestic Violence Survivor

Trigger Warning: This post talks about domestic abuse.

By: Dr. M.C. Reyes, Ph.D.

October is domestic violence (DV) awareness month, and to be honest, I never, in a million years would have thought that one of my daughters would become a DV survivor.

As a mother, I had always imagined myself as the protector, the one who would shield my daughter from harm and always be there to pick up the pieces. But when one of my daughters found herself in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, I found myself in uncharted territory. It was a difficult and painful journey, but through it all, I learned some valuable lessons that have stayed with me.

1) The first thing I learned was the importance of listening.

When my daughter first confided in me about what was happening, my initial reaction was to jump into action mode. I wanted to fix things, to make everything better. But as I listened to her, I realized that what she needed most was for me to simply be there for her, to offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. It was a powerful lesson in the importance of being present for those we love, even when we can’t fix their problems.

2) The second lesson was the importance of patience.

Leaving an abusive relationship is a complex process that takes time. There were days when I felt frustrated and helpless, wondering why she wasn’t just walking away. But I soon came to understand that it wasn’t that simple. Abusers are often skilled at manipulating their victims and leaving can be a dangerous and complicated process. It took time for her to gather the strength and resources she needed to leave, and I had to learn to be patient and supportive throughout the process.

3) The third lesson was the importance of self-care.

As a mother, it’s easy to put our own needs on the back burner when our children are struggling. But the truth is that we can’t be there for others if we’re not taking care of ourselves first. During this difficult time, I made sure to take breaks when I needed them, to lean on my support system, and to prioritize my own mental and emotional health. It wasn’t always easy, but it was necessary for both me and my daughter.

4) The fourth lesson was the importance of boundaries.

Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be emotionally taxing, and it’s important to set boundaries to protect ourselves. I had to learn to say no when I needed to, to recognize my own limitations, and to communicate my needs clearly to her. It wasn’t always easy, and we had some difficult conversations along the way, but setting boundaries ultimately helped us both to navigate this challenging time.

5) The fifth lesson was the importance of forgiveness.

My daughter’s relationship with her abuser had damaged our mother-daughter bond, and it took time and effort to repair it. There were moments when I felt hurt and angry, wondering how she could have let this happen. But I soon realized that forgiveness was the key to healing. It wasn’t about excusing what had happened, but about letting go of the anger and resentment that was holding us back. Through forgiveness, we were able to rebuild our relationship and move forward together.

6) The sixth lesson was the importance of community.

No one can go through something like this alone. We were fortunate to have a strong support system of friends and family who rallied around us during that difficult and challenging time. From offering a listening ear to helping us get the abusive partner out of my daughter’s house and life, their support was invaluable. It reminded me of the power of community and how important it is to lean on those around us when we need help.

7) The final lesson was the importance of hope.

When my daughter was in the midst of the abuse, it felt like there was no way out. But as we worked through the process of leaving and rebuilding our relationship, I saw firsthand how hope can be a powerful force. It gave us the strength to keep going when things felt impossible, and it helped us to believe that a better future was possible.

Through everything, I learned that no matter how dark things may seem, there is always hope for a brighter tomorrow.Looking back on this experience, I am grateful for the lessons I learned and the ways in which it brought me closer to my daughter. It wasn’t an easy journey, but it was one that ultimately brought us both to a better place. If there’s one thing I hope others can take away from our experience, it’s the importance of listening, patience, self-care, boundaries, forgiveness, community, and hope.

These lessons can apply to any difficult situation, and I hope that by sharing our story, we can offer a glimmer of hope to others who may be going through something similar.

About The Author: Dr. M.C. Reyes, Ph.D., is an Army Veteran and the Founder and President of the Compassionate Hearts UNITED Foundation, Inc. Dr. Reyes holds a Ph.D. in Social Psychology, focusing on Antisocial Behavior as well as Posttraumatic Growth.